"The Importance of Being Earnest", Oscar Wilde, the only man who can have a serious argument over muffins and still be considered one of the greatest satirist of all time.

• ALGERNON: If it wasn't my business, I wouldn't talk about it. [Begins to eat muffins].It is very vulgar to talk about one's business. Only people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.
• JACK: How you can sit there, calmly eating muffins, when we are in this horrible trouble, I can hardly make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.
• ALGERNON: Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.
• JACK: I say it's perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.
• ALGERNON: When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. [Rising].
• JACK: [Rising]. Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from ALGERNON].
• ALGERNON: [Offering teacake]. I wish you would have teacake instead. I don't like teacake.
• JACK: Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
• ALGERNON: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.
• JACK: I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
• ALGERNON: That may be. But the muffins are the same. [He seizes the muffin dish from JACK.]